Health & Fitness

Past Articles



The Christmas Newsletter

By:

My mother’s holiday domination reaches new levels.   By Hannah Wallace   My mother has decided to send out a family newsletter with her Christmas cards this year. However, being the showbiz veteran that she is, she insists it not be the typical 100,000-word term paper on the history of the Wallaces. That means my […]

December 4, 2008


Share via email
+1Share on LinkedIn
My mother’s holiday domination reaches new levels.
 
By Hannah Wallace
 

My mother has decided to send out a family newsletter with her Christmas cards this year. However, being the showbiz veteran that she is, she insists it not be the typical 100,000-word term paper on the history of the Wallaces. That means my sisters will ply their comic genius to summarize their year with cartoons. And me? I had to write a poem. I figured it could double as a blog (that way I could write it at work). Let’s all embrace my dorkiness, in the spirit of Christmas.

Hannah in Whoville
 
In this here economy, Christmas is scary,
But Hannah has simply no cause to be wary.
It could be her funds go to hockey and stuff;
It could be the mag doesn’t pay her enough.
Whatever the reason, her skates or her boss,
She’s got no investments, so zero net loss.
 
This autumn she emptied her coin-catching jar
And found enough pennies to purchase a car:
“A shiny Dodge Caliber, awesome!” she cried.
“It won’t even smell like old dead things inside!
It’s red as a sleigh and can hold lots of toys!
With the old car, the noise! Oh the noise noise noise noise!”
 
At mag Sarasota, and this you may quote,
Ms. Hannah the editor keeps things afloat.
She minds all the commas, the Ps and the Qs,
She chooses the gerunds, which adverbs to use.
She proofreads the copy, writes features and blogs—
In this well-oiled machine, she’s at least 20 cogs.
 
At home, life has bettered 100 percent
Since adding a boyfriend and splitting the rent.
Together they share some 1,000 square feet;
They mow their own yard and they grill their own meat.
The roof gives them shelter (and occasional drips);
The neighbors are friendly, be they Bloods, be they Crips.
 
Come Christmas the family will all be united,
After Thing 1’s been Amtraked and Thing 2 long-flighted.
The kids will require their favorite feast,
Which means carbonara instead of roast beast.
They’ll watch some Capote and toast with their whiskey
And sit on the porch if it’s warm or it’s brisk-y.
 
In summary, Christmas is perfect this year:
New housing, new auto, same boy and career,
Some Christmas things planned and some more a surprise,
Some bacon and pasta to help pad the thighs,
The family together (‘cause that makes Mom happy)
And a few stupid stanzas to make it less sappy.