A Facebook exercise leads to a chilling prediction.
By Hannah Wallace
Yeah, so: Facebook. Mr. Chatterbox has a Facebook page now—and so does Editorial Director Pam Daniel, as of this morning—so it’s not like I feel like a total teenybopper for having recently joined the throngs. Still, I prefer to avoid the whole viral questionnaire thing, unless someone sends me one with real comic potential. In the case of “25 random things about whomever,” I could only see myself getting sucked into a black hole of self-absorbed blabber—not funny. Besides, that’s what this blog is for.
But a few people (who really ought to know better) put me up to it, and hey, any time my sad recreational life can double as blog fodder, I’m all for it. So here it is: 25 random things about Hannah.
1. I hate my voice. It sounds like a ‘roided-up car horn after rhinoplasty.
2. I have an English degree and a job—at the same time, even!
3. After having my ACL reconstructed in 2003, I went from being a pretty good soccer player to a pretty lousy hockey player. Those surgeons are amazing.
4. My first kiss was with a guy I called “Gabe.” Two years later, when he delivered my pizza, I learned his name was Dave.
5. I have crippling social anxiety. I lock myself in the closet every time I get a friend request.
6. I have recently noticed a drastic decrease in the time between eating and pooping.
7. I’ve broken five bones in my lifetime. My biopic would be foleyed with bike horns and slide whistles.
8. I belch like a champion.
9. I also drool and snore. Like a princess.

10. A five-foot-four, 110-pound, eyebrow-pierced man at Esca once told me I look like a transvestite. This is why I don’t like wearing heels.


11. I have framed, autographed head shots of Sam Neill and John Astin.

12. My zippers apparently believe the world should not be deprived of a view of my underwear.
13. Three times, I’ve received express, romantic proposals in the workplace. All from women.
14. I’m not gay.
15. In fourth grade, I received the only perfect score on one English test. That same year, I received the only failing grade on a math test. (Ironically, the math test featured word problems.)
16. When I was little, I wrote a letter to Santa. When the reply came, I cried.
17. If you look at my face for 30 seconds, you can see my eyebrows growing.
18. My last apartment was 160 square feet. The toaster oven was on top of the microwave, which was on top of the refrigerator. All of which were at the foot of my bed.
19. I have helped my father into and out of a big-busted maid’s outfit many, many times.
20. The first time my boyfriend asked me out, it was for a date to a strip club.
21. I’m a Florida native, and I don’t like fish or citrus.
22. But I truly believe I could take down an entire meatloaf in one sitting.
23. The summer after college, I rode a mechanical bull at a hillbilly bar in the Appalachians. When I was thrown, I chucked my zebra-striped Stetson. And hit an employee.
24. I once had a beer at the Museum of Natural History.
25. And I’m always, always sick at sea.
And now the creepy post script: While digging around google images for pics to use, I took a narcissism break and searched for “Hannah Wallace.” This was the first hit.
Dude, that’s my birthday.
April 29 is officially my day off from here on out.