How do you spend five days off?


Disregard safety procedures. Actually, CCB and I had what we thought was a thorough discussion of the contingencies involved in lighting two mortar fireworks simultaneously in the same launching tube. But we missed one: If one wick doesn’t light, it’s possible for the top mortar’s propulsion blast to light the bottom mortar and bounce it out of the tube…and onto the grass. Those things are pretty spectacular at eye level. New band name: Minor Mortar Incident (performing their hit single, “Pretty Purple Stupid”).


Yard work. And lots of it. I decided to weed the front yard. Turns out, the weeds were the front yard. Brown is the new green.


Push the limits of hydration. Most of our Wednesday-night exercise this summer has come from a women’s hockey clinic—an hour and a half of ice time run by our Ms Conduct coaches or other available masochists. But this past week I decided to mix it up and check out a soccer practice instead. Two hours of four-on-four in 90 degrees. I learned something new about myself: I melt.


Take yourself out to the ball game. Bradenton Marauders general admission ticket: $6. Hot dog (with coupon from filling out a visitor survey): free. “Thirsty Thursday” beer or soda: $1. Parking (at our house, seven blocks away): free. That’s $7. I’d spend more than that at McDonald’s, and I wouldn’t get to steal foul balls from little children.


Work on your short game. What’s scary is how much more I could’ve gotten done if Wii Sports Resort weren’t so damn fun. Get up, get coffee, play 18 holes and a round of Frisbee dog. That right there is how you start the day.


Shop. Man, one trip to Lowe’s on a Friday afternoon will create home projects like you can’t imagine. I went in for a plant; I came out with wire, a tool rack, a rake handle, a circular saw blade, garbage bags, ant killer and a bird house.


Gorge. Yeah, despite all the yard work, home time is not so much good for the diet. I didn’t even cook that much. (Frankly, I was too pleased with the clean kitchen to sully it with sauces.) On top of the ballpark frank, my dinners for the week included: Yoder’s chicken and dumplings (courtesy of Ashley’s food delivery), Stairway to Belgium’s moules frites (my parents may as well have named me Bourbon Mayonnaise), and three trips to OT, our new favorite Palmetto haunt (add their burgers to my list).


What have I done so far this week? Um, recharged my iPod and eaten a bowl of cereal. Just let me have the Wii-mote one more hour, then I promise I’ll be productive.